back when i was still the only child and i didnt go to school yet, my mom always worked either the afternoon shift or the graveyard shift. i was always babysat by our neighbor and my paternal grandma's bestfriend, a kindly, old lady with such a great smile. of course, back then i never appreciated such things.

(there's something about the mind that tends to the extremes, either romantacizing the memory or brutally butchering it.)

anyway, this kindly old lady was one of the forefront runners of teaching me the Catholic faith. she always held sunday school at her house and i was always reserved the front seat. i hated going to sunday school.

one of my fondest memories of her was when my mom dropped me off at her place this one day and Lola Emma -- the kindly old lady -- teased me about my shorts (this was in the 90s, when everything was exaggerated). they werent exactly shorts... they were more like long pants that stopped at the ankles. my mom laughed before she left, reasoning that the she bought them for the sole purpose that should i grow taller, she wont have to buy another one. i remember Lola Emma laughing at me, and despite myself, i laughed too.

i remember her holding me close when it was time for a nap while sitting in this rickety old rocking chair. i remember her feeding me sweets with which she herself indulged in, even though she was forbidden to eat them as she had diabetes. i remember countless new year's and christmases that my family and i spent with her and her family.

so much memories. too many good things to remember.

last night my dad had a call from his sister in michigan. she said she's been trying to call since christmas. now that she finally did call, she brought bad tidings... Lola Emma passed away Christmas Eve. Just like my grandfather.

i remember promising her and grandpa that we will see each other a long time from now. i remember them saying that they'll always be there. i remember looking at the backseat of the car that took me to the airport. i watched them grow smaller until i couldnt see them anymore. i cried and cried, the way im crying now.

i am in such deep doodoo.

this is the first time that i am stumped. and i am not likin it.

i mean, sure a it's a good present cause youre givin the person something special that you hold dear, right? but what about the message? i mean i remember pronouncing my fascination for the language but the message part stumps me. no merry christmas, just this.... thing. ya just have to see it to... well i dont know what youd think.

yep i am in deep doodoo. i dont know what im getting myself into.

great adventure today! 
i met this guy over the summer and he has this sexy ass car that ive been salivating over ever since i saw it. i told him straight up [in a joking way] that i would do him for his car. so today, my wish finaly came true! he took me for a ride and showed me his house [but i didnt do him].
the guy's loaded, man. shit. his house is nice, his car's nice, plus he's white. haha.
i also found out that he knows quite a few academian party girls. i had to end the conversation there because i didnt want to know anything more...
but the thing that i found really funny was that he's taking tagalog. haha. he said he was doing it because of his [ex]girlfriend. where have i heard this one before?
he's a nice guy and pretty responsive to flirting...
did i mention that he has a hot bod?

a seven year gap isnt so bad, right?
it's just that i will always be a child to him, deny as we might the attraction that exists.

or maybe this isnt a mutual thing.
maybe im just imagining things.

and here i go again, acting like a child...
making little entries in my diary and musing about my soon to be - and yet another -
broken heart